Tuesday, May 31, 2011

4. new york, new york

I came home today. I didn’t want to, but I really had no choice. Colin met me at Penn Station. As soon as I saw his sweet, concerned, loving face I felt so relieved. I went into his arms like he was my sanctuary and held onto him like it was the last time. All the time I kept thinking, worrying that if I tell him what really happened, this will be the last time I get to feel like this.

Colin has clearly sensed that I’m in a very unusual state. He’s actually more perceptive than I ever gave him credit for. He was wonderful and sweet and held off asking all the questions I could tell he really was dying to ask. He did ask how my friends were doing and we chatted a little about nothing important, but the “big gorilla” of my secret was making its hairy presence very uncomfortable for me. I had to figure out what to tell Colin. I wanted to tell him the truth, but I just wanted to feel safe with him a little bit longer, before it all went to hell and he was gone. And all the way home I kept looking around, expecting to see Jeremy following me, somehow knowing where I am. I’m so freaked.

When we got home I showered and changed into my own clothes and asked if we could make love. Usually sex between us feels incredibly unifying. I wanted to feel that connection to him. It was good, but things are just tense between us. I’m all torn up inside.

Of course I had to talk with Colin. I had to say something. I basically told him I had a kind of a breakdown and just suddenly felt the overwhelming need to get away. It’s totally unlike me, I’m not at all the “breakdown” type and he clearly isn’t buying it. Because it’s obvious bullshit. He keeps asking questions. He’s trying to be helpful, trying to understand, he's trying to be sweet and supportive. But I just can’t bring myself to tell him. The truth is too bizarre. I even started crying tonight to get him to stop pressing me for more information. Horrible of me. I’ve never lied to him before or manipulated him. I’ve never had to. We have been really open and honest with each other our whole time together. It’s just that I’m convinced that he won’t understand what happened. He tends to be kind of jealous even though I know he trusts me completely. The trust he has in me…that’s the worst thing of all. He has always trusted me and now I’ve betrayed it in a way that I don’t know if I can ever make right. I just can’t tell him what happened. I have no way to explain how I spent that time in some strange guy’s apartment, not tied up or anything, but couldn’t get away. I hardly even believe it, myself, it sounds so fishy.

Colin just left for work and I’ve turned off all the lights in the apartment and I’m even being really quiet. I turned off my phone. Just sitting here in the dark working a bit and watching the computer for emails. Nothing but spam so far tonight. Trying to sell me designer watches and Viagra.

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