Monday, June 06, 2011

7. it happened

I left this morning to go work at the agency. I was so nervous. Nothing happened the whole way to the office. But the ad agency is downtown in the general area of NYU. Now I’m realizing just how much of my whole life revolves around that area! I didn’t even go out for lunch, I just ordered in and ate at my desk.

I came home on the subway instead of taking a cab. I thought I better save money, since I haven’t made much this past week or so what with the being distracted and not leaving the apartment and all. I was almost home, I was just walking past the diner across the street from my building…they had their front windows opened up because it was warm…and I heard what I had been dreading. Jeremy calling my name. I stopped. I didn’t even mean to, but I just did. I almost decided to run, but I thought…it’s a public place… What’s he going to do? So I turned around and saw him sitting at one of the front tables in the window.

By this time I had built him up in my mind like he was some kind of monster. When I saw him, he just looked like a normal, friendly guy, smiling and waving at me. I don’t even think he was as tall as I remembered. I walked over to the window of the diner. I didn’t go in, I just talked to him through the open window. Only, I’m thinking to myself…What the fuck? This is the first time I’ve been out of the apartment by myself since I got back from Maine. Has he been sitting in there for days, hoping I’d walk by? I mean, REALLY!

He said he had been hoping to see me. That he wanted to talk to me. He said he knew he had freaked me out by the way he acted when I came to his apartment and he completely understood my reaction. He said he had overreacted to his own feelings and he could understand if I never wanted to see him again. I was waiting for the “but” but when that didn’t come, he just waited and it seemed like it was my turn to say something. I told him he was exactly right…I DIDN’T ever want to see him again. Then I said that I was very much in love with my large, burly, Irish-tempered fiancĂ© and that it was impossible for him to ever think we could have any kind of relationship at all. I felt slightly silly even having to tell him something that obvious. It hits me that I still really can't even believe this is going on at all. It struck me while I was talking to him... That sense of unreality again.

Then we were right back on the crazy train. Jeremy said, perfectly calmly, that he would always love me and he knew that we were destined to be together. And that he could wait for me to come around and realize it too. No matter how long it took.

That pissed me off. I guess I was feeling safer and less scared out on a public street and the sun was still out and the sidewalks were crowded and the man who owns the diner and his son were both right inside and these factors all combined to make me get really angry instead of afraid. I told Jeremy he had to stop this, that if he called or emailed or tried to see me again, I would call the police and report the kidnapping and tell them about the attempted rape.

He just looked at me and didn’t really even change his expression. Like I hadn't said anything at all. And when I turned to walk away, I heard him say “Why didn’t you?,” but I just kept on going. It was so fucking WEIRD!

And I still don’t know the answer to that question.

Colin got home from school a little while after I did. He asked me what was wrong. I guess he could tell I was upset. I was upset. I almost told him, then. I really almost did. Then I thought of something. There’s this little restaurant at the Seaport that we go to. We sit on the deck and watch the sun set. Every time we go it’s beautiful and perfect and I feel so close to Colin. So, I asked him if we could go there for dinner. I couldn’t take the thought of never feeling that way again.

We just had enough time to have dinner and drinks before Colin had to leave for work. He even called and asked one of the guys to cover for him if he was late. We sat up on the high deck with a couple of mojitos and watched the city skyline turn shades of deep red and purple.

I tried not to look around. But I thought I might have glimpsed Jeremy down by the ships. I kissed Colin. I really do love him.

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